At My Weakest

Being so human, my instincts drive me at my weakest to mope around, stare blankly at the walls and start mumbling my mind. I find it acceptable though after getting load of stress quite times at the hotel or when I am subjected to self-disturbance on how to accelerate getting my way ahead — family, career and personal satisfaction. It seems a little tough these days when I think over age and time uncontrollably nagging me to set all things in my life in concrete. I couldn’t help but run ahead my mind and take advantage of the given time, which is now, to think and work on it. At the same time I also couldn’t help but silently protest and dwell temporarily on the cause of things. I even blame other people and the current situation. I know I am responsible to my own decisions and to regret is a shame because I realize most of it are lame, never thought about, second-rated.

But far off way more, I am disappointed about my mismanaging my time, losing chances inadvertently but perhaps it’s also reasonably best to consider the lack of knowledge and resources itself why everything seems so slow or procrastinated; or just maybe it’s only me who’s imposing the idea of procrastination to all the failures and frustrations.

I have given up the thinking for now as I’m still finding all the answers. I couldn’t let go of my insanities right now. I think I have to continue talking to the walls as it might bounce back to me for realization and probable answers.

It still acceptable to be helpless sometimes, call it insanity but later at the stillness heavy burden at the beginning starts to lighten and the vagueness of things starts to shape up. I may be waiting reverently for some divine intervention which is way too high a cost for my lowly behavior, it only means that I still believe it will happen.