My (Draft) Personal Performance Assessment

Below is one of my posts from my other blog over 3 years ago about a short assessment on where I’m standing at in my life as an individual person, a mom, a family member and a worker.

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Almost a year of motherhood. I have experienced the highs and lows, the fears and excitements, the joy and pains. I have discovered more of my weaknesses, my frustrations, my expectations, from myself, from Xam.

Am I good enough? Can I provide enough? Could it be possible for me to take both the mother and father roles at the same time? If I am the protective mantle, how can I challenge my son to run his life? Would I break rules?

Should I look for a father-figure (if lolo (grandpa) won’t be around) for Xam or should I ask assistance from his dad? Am I ready to answer his questions later on? If not, how can I prepare for it?

I should admit that as much as I want to be positive for any challenges I would encounter, right at this moment, I am shaking. I fear for things I may not be able to handle, when I am the first one Xam would depend on.

When it’s the time, I will have courage. When I am there, I will be ready. When no one is around to extend some help, I know, God is up there, Someone enough to prepare me, to hold me, to lift me, to give me wisdom and courage to stand by, for, and with Xam.

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While I was trying to go back to the time when I wrote this post to pick up where I was coming from, I realized how lost I am along the way. I couldn’t see the path that I took to where I am now and it all seems like short cuts and dead ends. I realized how important it is to have a regular, concrete, black-and-white personal performance assessment to be able to manage, budget and optimize the time I have to achieve my target.

Today in the afternoon, I attended the Front Office quarterly Communication Meeting held in one of the hotel’s restaurant. It’s about 15 days now since I left the hotel for vacation and I was just so happy seeing the colleagues again after some time. Basically, the agenda was more like an assessment of how the Front Office is performing considering different variables. There was a presentation of figures for each measure in terms of how the colleague is performing on check-in and check-out, rooming-in, loyalty membership enrollments, and other customer services performance indicators. There was also an assessment of our daily and monthly targets that affect the overall performance of the hotel based on general hospitality standards. We also tackled our monthly budget and actual expenses, operational and team issues, among others.

Our daily target on some of the performance indicators

After looking at the assessment report presented, I realized how easy it is to figure out what went on, what are the influencing factors, rooms for improvement and the feasible and realistic outcome of the improvements and planning if you have it visually laid out in front of you. More so in personal life where it is in fact more desirable to have a visually comprehensible report on the results of the assessment on life’s basic performance indicators (PIs). For some it may be unreliable, and yes it’s true because social factors keep changing over time depending on the present scenario or circumstances. But somehow I think our basic functions and targets are measurable using some Key Identifiable Questions (KIQs).

For example:

Function : Being a single parent

KPI : Healthy, happy and pro-active Xam

Target : Provide basic assistance on child’s physical growth and nourishment, personality development, social roles and spiritual awareness

KIQs:

  1. For four years, did Xam get full pediatric check-ups including height and weight growth and other physical development, regular vaccinations, verbal and motor skill test (optional as it can just be reported where there are observable difference on traits and behavior)?
  2. Have you provided an environment where Xam could fully develop his personality by having a balanced and child-friendly interaction and an environment where he can discover his talent and potentials and support his field of interests like sports, music, arts, among others. For a personality assessment, you can make use of online tools like The Personality Questionnaire for Kids site which I used to assess Xam’s personal traits. The result is overwhelming but true. My son is a portrait of an Extraverted Thinking Judging child.
  3. Have you allowed Xam in his own simple ways to participate on basic social roles like helping with simple chores at home or at school?
  4. Do you provide a foundation where he can grow spiritually by taking him to Sunday church mass, introduce the existence of God, Jesus and Mother Mary (in our case as Catholics)? Do you allow him to participate in mass celebration and other spiritual activities like praying the Holy Rosary and understanding the bible?

Function : Primary financial provider for the family

KPI : Financial sustainability and stability

Target : To be able to provide a fix source of income to sustain daily financial needs of the family

KIQs :

  1. % of salary alloted to family’s monthly allowance for immediate necessities like food, clothing, utilities
  2. Existing debts and credits
  3. Alternative source(s) of income

These are just 2 examples of a visible personal performance assessment report and it can still be expanded and specified according to your preference and status quo. You can think and list as many KPIs and KQIs as you want to be able to cover and track down specific concerns and to be able to systematically plan for the future. It doesn’t sound technically strategic as I can see it for now but it’s still a good idea to have all things laid in a blueprint. You can somehow modify the process  it’s up to your choice. You can even print it out and file for your reference.

Look closely how your life is going. Keep it tracked. There’s nothing wrong with it unless you overdo. Always focus on the simplicity, clarity and balance of things and everything will be just right in the proper place.

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Unloading Emotional Baggage

Luggage tags of PBair.

Image via Wikipedia

It’s quite getting heavy again and I think it’s time to sort out and check on the not-so-necessary loads in my baggage and set them aside or better yet, keep them out of sight (at the attic maybe). There are a lot of emotional sores we usually tend to linger on too much in our lives which we need to get rid of or at least put them in their own dwelling place. These issues almost always bury deep into our luggage that when another issue comes up we just tend to dump into them without even noticing until our whole baggage burst out.

Life is like but a flight. We don’t want to be late or get delayed to our destination just because of packing and unpacking loads to take with. It takes a while yes and so it’s better to prepare for it in advance, allot ample time to get ourselves ready. However, our human nature says, “I know what to carry, I don’t have to do it now.” “It’s so easy to pack I can make it one or two days in advance.” “I have enough luggage to stuff all my things in or I can even borrow one from a friend if it’s not enough.” Whoah! Up until then, you are still working on to get that enough space, pumping all the sides of your bags to make sure there are no air spaces for you to be able to squeeze in what’s left to pack.

Dutch family on their way for their summer hol...

Image via Wikipedia

Look at your life now. Is it still worth wasting and risking time, energy and resources trying to be in control of everything? Your mind and heart are shaped to rationalize and endure only what is essential. It may offer some allowances but it is not for us to dump more but to sort out and consider carefully that only what is left unpacked are those mistaken objects or anxieties in our lives that often confuse us as relevant but are actually clogs that keeps us from moving on.

Here are some thoughts that I apply whenever I feel like I have to unload:

  1. List down your main issues as well as the small matters that bother you; may it be at work, family issues, career development, emotional and physical needs, financial needs, relationship with friends, etc. Cross out what you think should not come in priority. At the time my older sister finally decided to go home to Philippines for good, I already assumed the title of a “breadwinner“. Coming from an average family, in a country where there are limited opportunities for skilled and non-skilled citizens, I feel a deep sense of responsibility to first get even with impoverishment and work out on getting financial stability for them and later prepare for my own family’s financial needs. This has almost fully occupied my baggage as it grows more like a vine. I couldn’t do anything at all to reach this goal without even thinking getting a high-paid or multiple jobs and so I have to consider a career that simply goes with it. See, it’s already swallowing me up. But as you trim down to what should be prioritized first, you will see a clear direction and start to feel a deep sigh of relief.
  2. When you feel that it’s getting into your nerves, check your pace and slow down. The idea is not to go far to your goal and run down on what’s available and make use of it or if you don’t have what you need, think of a probable solution and ways how to do it. Try to exhaust possible options but do not rush on your decisions. Time is precious so you don’t need to hurry. Make use of it wisely. You can’t go back to your past; the reality is now so just go with the flow.
  3. Go out from your comfort zone. Leave your room, go out and take time to smell the flowers and get bitten by a bee. You’ve been staring long enough at all the four corners and wall displays in your room but still unable to find not even a single clue on how to resolve your problem. Perhaps, who knows, you’ll meet a good samaritan along the way and offer you or give a reference to where you can actually find a good-paying job or other options outside your base that will offer profitable and productive opportunity. It happened to me during my first few months of job hunting here in Dubai although I didn’t fit in at the end; maybe it’s not just meant for me. But the fact that even a stranger can help makes it worth giving a try.
  4. Free your thoughts from useless anxiety and think about less fortunate (not necessarily financially-deprived) people around you. They may be enjoying financial stability, long and fruitful marriage or even a high seat in authority but are going through big scandalous issues like the one our ex-President Gloria Arroyo is undergoing right now. Looking at her in her distressed condition and being bombarded with side by side political accusations, you wouldn’t know how she would be able to take this load in her baggage. You don’t have to go far. You go by the street and you can see beggars. They only need basic necessities that you are already wealthy of. A friend or a stranger may come to you to help him or her look for a job which you already got one. Don’t be annoyed with this reality. Just be thankful you are more blessed than them.
  5. Do not be subdued to emotional distress alone. Go to a friend, a counselor, priest or a religious group. You might just need someone to reiterate to you how you can go through this tough time. Most of the time they are the most reliable people to talk to or get some help even on your specific need.
  6. Pray harder. There’s no substitute to a real talk with God. When I feel so overloaded, I don’t have to go the church and kneel in front of the altar. I just talk to him whenever I can, even when I’m in the bathroom. He, above of all, believe it or not can take over everything. The next day you will just feel rested and renewed.

Some of these things may seem temporary. You will say, “Then tomorrow what’s next?” Back to worrying and moping around. It’s your choice anyway. You may repeat your usual agony or you may choose to go back to the temporary but “just and right” and make it routinary.

I don’t have a single cent right now and I’m on a local leave. I lost my last bucks somewhere when I went out. It’s my fault I didn’t bring my wallet with me. It’s a lesson learned and a useless load to dwell on. Wasted yes, but somehow maybe, the person who found my money is more in need this time. My job as a Receptionist at the hotel is not giving me enough budget to support my family back home but to think of it on the lighter side, it’s also offering me enough opportunity to grow in my career as I take a step to a higher position – not so soon though but in the right time when I am fully equipped.

You may find your own way to get out of your own misery and how will you see your life is definitely your own choice. I have hurt myself so much, I was longing for a partner to share my life with but I failed. I am fulfilling my title as a single mom and a breadwinner and still unable to cope up with my responsibilities. At thirtiesh, I should somehow know what to do but often lost in space doing nothing but run around in circles. But I wasn’t chosen to carry these loads if I am not strong enough, if I’m not at all capable. I just need to recover and rediscover myself and allow free air to my baggage so that along the way, as I go board on my flight and travel, I would be able to take some more better loads than what I have left behind.

Blogger repost: Did you wish you were a child again?

1-yr old Xam on his walker. I love taking pictures of him when he was a baby.

Since I opened up my new wordpress blog, I tend to forget about posting on my launching blog “Single Mom at Best” where most of my experiences and journey as a mother was recorded. I feel so guilty of not even bothered visiting it once in a while or when I open my laptop – like it was an obligation to keep it readable and popular to at least the co-blogger community and least to ones who can relate to it – as it was my sort of “shock absorber” and a dependable “friend” whenever I want to trust my feelings to the world. I succumbed to the idea of leaving it just like that but I think it is unfair so I am digging a hole to somehow connect it to this blog by reposting some of my favorites, just like the one below published on August 7, 2008 at 20:43pm.

Did you wish you were a child again?

Last weekend, when I went home for a 3-day vacation, I had the chance to look at our old photo albums again after quite a long time. Some photos are actually vanishing that I can no longer recognize who’s in it and even if I could, I still felt bad to find out that it is one of my favorites and feel sorry that I haven’t kept and preserve them the way they deserve. Anyway, as I kept turning on the pages, I was smiling and even bursting in laughter on my childhood pictures where I look so darned perky, with my sister, brother, cousins, grade school classmates and friends and childhood neighbors. While looking at them, I also remember what happened then or why it happened. Like one photo taken during our dance number during a commencement exercise where my younger brother at about 6 yrs old came up on stage to join the dance. If I could have known he will find the guts to do so, then I could have warned him. But it happened. He kid and went up on stage beside me where it would have only be me in the picture as the star dancer and the dance wasn’t ruined at all. But I have to admit, he was actually great. I didn’t know he was watching on us during our practices and learned the steps by himself. I was surprised he can follow with us during the performance. It’s just that, he was going in wrong directions most of the time.

Everytime we had a school occasion, I was the star. The graders looked up to me whenever I perform upstage that even when I graduated, they would ask me to help them arrange a dance number for a school activity. Whew! What a pressure! I actually didn’t have to feel it ‘cause I really enjoyed dancing. Well, I can still dance but I don’t have the time now. Only when I go home for the weekend in the province will I have the chance to dance, but no longer just me as the star dancer but with my son, Xam. He loves music so much. He loves to be swayed. Maybe because when I was still pregnant, I get to listen to classic instrumentals and we have this CD that I kept on playing every morning when I wake up. It’s the classic version of Abba songs. So everytime Xam’s about to fall asleep, I turn on the stereo and play his favorite ‘I Have a Dream’ and then we swing together. Without a doubt, he’d close his eyes quick for a sound sleep.

Now Xam's enjoying a scooter ride in the mall's play area

I didn’t realize what a child simply wants until I became a mother. And I wouldn’t want to deprive my son of his simple wishes. When he wants to reach for something he’s fond of, as long as it’s not going to hurt him, I help him reach for it. Whenever I notice he’s not comfortable with his shoes, I remove it. If he screams while the priest is praying during the mass, I don’t warn him to shush; I just take him at the back and turn his attention to things that would make him quiet. As much as possible, I don’t want to make growing up hard for him, but as early as possible, I want him to learn how to go about it on his own. I want him to enjoy it like I did. The experiences were hard-earned for me but it wasn’t at all rough. I do get being reprimanded most of the time and had been deprived of my wants sometimes, I could still do what I love doing a lot; just like dancing, I could go with the flow.

“For the lessons of life there is no better teacher, than the look in the eyes of a child…”

We can give justice to what we believe is right in our present time, by trusting to our childlike instinct, with love, hope and trust in our hearts.

A Not-So-Good Week: Frustrations and Hope

Coffee break

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It was probably the most unhealthy, unproductive, depressing, down-to-the-lowest week I’ve ever had. All the odds that I could think of rotten what’s good that’s left in my innermost nerves. Everything fell where I’m not so good at — finding the antidote to my insanities and depressive moods. Then I realized just a moment ago, it was only a selfish reaction to the current reality around me.

The hotel was busy – technically is because of the major refurbishments of about 70 rooms – yet we had a restful shifts in a sense that besides we don’t have much rooms to sell, most of our arrivals in the past few weeks come between 11:00pm to 3:00am. Did I just say restful? No. I would say most of us were bored, leaving 1 or 2 hours early ahead of our shift (with supervisor’s approval of course). Some would just had to take 2 to 3 times smoke and coffee breaks in between. Apparently it is as close as getting bored most of the time but still we had tasks to finish and targets to achieve. So it was all just a manifestation of humanly lazy acts and attitude when the environment is so conducive to it.

It was also supposed to be a week when I am preparing for my plans on my local vacation. I decided first and foremost to get a 25-day leave this November to get my career plans materialize as much as opportunity allows. It took me the whole time although I know I need more to figure out which area in my present job and current industry will I be more productive and at the same time allows me to earn more — which is why I’m actually here in this country — while I would see myself enjoying the job itself. The best thing about our company is that it allows colleagues or staff to grow in their chosen career. One of the ways to achieve that is the opportunity to cross train in another department to learn and develop new skills that they think may would contribute to their personal professional career and at the same time help them contribute more to their present position and department. I have thought of going to Public Relations and Communications since it is an area where it’s close to my heart — communication, particularly writing. Unfortunately there are no doors open for me there yet. My second choice was Learning and Development but I thought it will not give me career and self-worth and satisfaction as I know myself more as a writer (frustrated one I guess), not a speaker and I don’t have the in-born talent and attitude of speaking to inform and inspire. I think I have a sleepy voice so it doesn’t make sense at all. I definitely don’t want my audience listening to a mellow and boring me and eventually sleep in my training sessions.

So I skip the idea of me becoming a trainer. My back-of-the-office skills is where I want to improve on — though I’m considering to mix it with my interpersonal skills and charm. It gave me an idea to shift on marketing. I urgently sent an email to the Director of Market Strategy department stating my interest to spend time to learn with them. But then again, I also immediately received a reply saying that they have a lot of commitments this month that they won’t be able to accommodate my request. Again, a failure to my side. I started to get depressed that this is now hopeless. I couldn’t move my career forward. I will be stuck in the mud until I get the time and opportunity to try it again.

However, there was something in the email that gave me an assurance. He said that he spoke to his colleague, the Director of Corporate Sales and Marketing and she confirmed that the department is open to consider my request if I’m interested to get a cross training with them. Although it seems a little awkward for me for some personal reasons that’s why I unlikely considered sales as an option, I thought it would also be best to try as it is the closest department in terms of its connection to my present position at the Front Office. So, I formally sent an email to the Director. Although I haven’t received a feedback yet, I’m a little frustrated now that I’m not getting to where I’m supposed to go. There is no clear sketch yet on my career blueprint until I receive a confirmation. Frustrations. I feel I’m so into the idleness of the situation. I’m just convincing myself that maybe the Director is busy or maybe because it’s a long weekend holiday in Dubai because of the Eid.

Enough of it this time. I still have a chance to call to the office tomorrow. This is what I hate when I’m pushing it so I just leave it for now. Maybe I’m just rushing things when there may be ample time for it.

Relationship. I miss my love ones. After all that I’m going through this is I’m sure the most that I need right now — someone to listen, understand and encourage despite the disappointments. However, they are unreachable right now. It gets worst when I wanted to feel them close to me and they’re not here, especially my son. But to tell you I have a so-called close friend who’s always been reassuring that everything will turn out fine. I talk to him once in a while when time and schedule allows. I just had a 10-minute talk with him while he’s on his way to work and I felt good. I’m just happy when I know I have him for now. I’m more contented and relieved after a not-s0-good week.

I wish this week will be better though.