theressomethingabout

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Archive for the tag “Family”

Raising Xam… Alone

Who would have thought that a plain Jane have blown her chances away to raise her child alone? But it wasn’t that alarming at all. Besides, being a parent, especially mother, is the best gift we could ever receive and believe me, your happiness will get doubled and even grows even more. No one can ever explain the downpour of feelings the time you first hold your baby.

Plain Janes like me are everywhere and increasingly dominating the single-parent statistics. From the time I see the heartbeat of Xam inside me until I gave birth to him, I shouldered all the emotional, physical and psychological struggles all alone. Yes, it was so difficult, or I should say painful – physical pain, emotional pain, psychological pain, it tortured me. Until now, I still can’t help but cry everytime I recall those life-threatening moments – and I survived. Oh I’m crying. But why should I? With just one look at Xam, I know that I am blessed with the true greatest gift.

Xam has never been a hard-to-please baby. He was so quiet and calm. He had less fussy periods during his first month unless he is hungry, uncomfortable or sleepy. Some infants cry so loud and uncontrollably for no reason at all and I’m glad that I rarely experienced this with Xam, though from doctor’s point of view, fussy crying is just normal. It even helps the baby release excess energy so they could return to a more contented state. This is easy for a single mom like me, for a having a very cooperative son.

Kidding aside, what I need to understand about single-parenting is that this is not a half-way journey. What the father mostly can’t provide, the mother will compensate and she always has a way to make things work out. And as long as I’m getting support from family, I don’t have anything to worry about. Huh, just like that. Yes, just like that. And because I care a lot for my family the more that I want to take care of myself.

Guilty-feeling Not

At times, I couldn’t help but to feel guilty for not even thinking about Xam before I dared think about conceiving him, that he would only be having one parent. But it doesn’t mean that I’m guilty I have to make amends by spoiling him. Spoiling is but natural. It’s just means that you’re giving attention to your baby because that’s what he needs in a single-parent family. I’m just so grateful that my parents support me and share the day-in, day-out job of taking care of Xam.

Don’t look for problems that don’t exist.

I don’t anticipate problems but I do recognize them when they arise. Sometimes I may fall short of my responsibility as a parent but that doesn’t mean that it’s a hole in the heart that I should be guilty of and that Xam won’t grow up a better child. I know I’ll be facing challenges of being a single parent and one of them is handling things alone. But this is more of a challenge not a difficulty. Only when times get rough and specific things get complicated and unhandy will I need a source of support. And again, I’m fortunate enough to have my family and friends around.

The best medicine of all: laughter and humor

I realize how important it is to maintain good humor in ourselves. Everything seems so light and manageable if matters are taken positively. Challenges are more fun before you know you surpass it. So laugh it all the way and you’ll feel 16 again.

Relax, see a movie, go to the spa…

Why not? For you and for your family’s sake, stay healthy – eat right, get enough rest and sleep, and get a break by hanging out with friends once in a while. Pursue your interest and hobbies.

 

MOM’S STANDPOINT

Being a single parent doesn’t mean being alone. We all have extended families and friends to support us and it’s completely fine to ask for help from professionals like your pediatrician when you need it. They’ll be most concerned not only about your child’s development but also about you and your relationship with your family. So don’t feel alone and isolated. You too as a mom has your own emotional needs and don’t be afraid to acknowledge it. Face it optimistically and with confidence.

Unloading Emotional Baggage

Luggage tags of PBair.

Image via Wikipedia

It’s quite getting heavy again and I think it’s time to sort out and check on the not-so-necessary loads in my baggage and set them aside or better yet, keep them out of sight (at the attic maybe). There are a lot of emotional sores we usually tend to linger on too much in our lives which we need to get rid of or at least put them in their own dwelling place. These issues almost always bury deep into our luggage that when another issue comes up we just tend to dump into them without even noticing until our whole baggage burst out.

Life is like but a flight. We don’t want to be late or get delayed to our destination just because of packing and unpacking loads to take with. It takes a while yes and so it’s better to prepare for it in advance, allot ample time to get ourselves ready. However, our human nature says, “I know what to carry, I don’t have to do it now.” “It’s so easy to pack I can make it one or two days in advance.” “I have enough luggage to stuff all my things in or I can even borrow one from a friend if it’s not enough.” Whoah! Up until then, you are still working on to get that enough space, pumping all the sides of your bags to make sure there are no air spaces for you to be able to squeeze in what’s left to pack.

Dutch family on their way for their summer hol...

Image via Wikipedia

Look at your life now. Is it still worth wasting and risking time, energy and resources trying to be in control of everything? Your mind and heart are shaped to rationalize and endure only what is essential. It may offer some allowances but it is not for us to dump more but to sort out and consider carefully that only what is left unpacked are those mistaken objects or anxieties in our lives that often confuse us as relevant but are actually clogs that keeps us from moving on.

Here are some thoughts that I apply whenever I feel like I have to unload:

  1. List down your main issues as well as the small matters that bother you; may it be at work, family issues, career development, emotional and physical needs, financial needs, relationship with friends, etc. Cross out what you think should not come in priority. At the time my older sister finally decided to go home to Philippines for good, I already assumed the title of a “breadwinner“. Coming from an average family, in a country where there are limited opportunities for skilled and non-skilled citizens, I feel a deep sense of responsibility to first get even with impoverishment and work out on getting financial stability for them and later prepare for my own family’s financial needs. This has almost fully occupied my baggage as it grows more like a vine. I couldn’t do anything at all to reach this goal without even thinking getting a high-paid or multiple jobs and so I have to consider a career that simply goes with it. See, it’s already swallowing me up. But as you trim down to what should be prioritized first, you will see a clear direction and start to feel a deep sigh of relief.
  2. When you feel that it’s getting into your nerves, check your pace and slow down. The idea is not to go far to your goal and run down on what’s available and make use of it or if you don’t have what you need, think of a probable solution and ways how to do it. Try to exhaust possible options but do not rush on your decisions. Time is precious so you don’t need to hurry. Make use of it wisely. You can’t go back to your past; the reality is now so just go with the flow.
  3. Go out from your comfort zone. Leave your room, go out and take time to smell the flowers and get bitten by a bee. You’ve been staring long enough at all the four corners and wall displays in your room but still unable to find not even a single clue on how to resolve your problem. Perhaps, who knows, you’ll meet a good samaritan along the way and offer you or give a reference to where you can actually find a good-paying job or other options outside your base that will offer profitable and productive opportunity. It happened to me during my first few months of job hunting here in Dubai although I didn’t fit in at the end; maybe it’s not just meant for me. But the fact that even a stranger can help makes it worth giving a try.
  4. Free your thoughts from useless anxiety and think about less fortunate (not necessarily financially-deprived) people around you. They may be enjoying financial stability, long and fruitful marriage or even a high seat in authority but are going through big scandalous issues like the one our ex-President Gloria Arroyo is undergoing right now. Looking at her in her distressed condition and being bombarded with side by side political accusations, you wouldn’t know how she would be able to take this load in her baggage. You don’t have to go far. You go by the street and you can see beggars. They only need basic necessities that you are already wealthy of. A friend or a stranger may come to you to help him or her look for a job which you already got one. Don’t be annoyed with this reality. Just be thankful you are more blessed than them.
  5. Do not be subdued to emotional distress alone. Go to a friend, a counselor, priest or a religious group. You might just need someone to reiterate to you how you can go through this tough time. Most of the time they are the most reliable people to talk to or get some help even on your specific need.
  6. Pray harder. There’s no substitute to a real talk with God. When I feel so overloaded, I don’t have to go the church and kneel in front of the altar. I just talk to him whenever I can, even when I’m in the bathroom. He, above of all, believe it or not can take over everything. The next day you will just feel rested and renewed.

Some of these things may seem temporary. You will say, “Then tomorrow what’s next?” Back to worrying and moping around. It’s your choice anyway. You may repeat your usual agony or you may choose to go back to the temporary but “just and right” and make it routinary.

I don’t have a single cent right now and I’m on a local leave. I lost my last bucks somewhere when I went out. It’s my fault I didn’t bring my wallet with me. It’s a lesson learned and a useless load to dwell on. Wasted yes, but somehow maybe, the person who found my money is more in need this time. My job as a Receptionist at the hotel is not giving me enough budget to support my family back home but to think of it on the lighter side, it’s also offering me enough opportunity to grow in my career as I take a step to a higher position – not so soon though but in the right time when I am fully equipped.

You may find your own way to get out of your own misery and how will you see your life is definitely your own choice. I have hurt myself so much, I was longing for a partner to share my life with but I failed. I am fulfilling my title as a single mom and a breadwinner and still unable to cope up with my responsibilities. At thirtiesh, I should somehow know what to do but often lost in space doing nothing but run around in circles. But I wasn’t chosen to carry these loads if I am not strong enough, if I’m not at all capable. I just need to recover and rediscover myself and allow free air to my baggage so that along the way, as I go board on my flight and travel, I would be able to take some more better loads than what I have left behind.

Happiness

Happiness is looking at yourself on the mirror,
trimming your eyebrows, batting your eyelashes,
pouting your lips and just smiling at your smiles.
Happiness is drinking your favorite tea before you sleep.
Happiness is when I think of life that I have now, grateful for so many blessings.

Happiness is when I think of my loved ones back home,
when I hear Xam laugh and stumble on words.
Happiness is when I think I can be a good wife someday,
preparing for his meals, ironing his uniforms.
Happiness is waking up in the morning knowing that you have a purpose to fulfill.

Happiness is everything and anything, even a tear on your face.
It’s such an overwhelming emotion. It’s just it. You’re just happy.

Just Being at Home

They say it’s fun to be outdoors. I say I find it also cool to stay at home. Like today I’ve spent my first day off with a good sleep – after a busy week at the hotel. I did my laundry while watching Pinoy TV shows in the internet and once in a while I open my Facebook and Twitter to get updates from friends and family. I did a little drawer and wardrobe organizing, getting rid of eyesores in the room and a little wiping, scrubbing and mapping (I mean mapping the floor).

The best part of it is when I go to the kitchen and cook. Although I had to go out for a short errand this evening at the nearest store to buy some lacking stuff in the fridge and kitchen cabinet like butter, rice and juice or coconut water. I couldn’t afford a day without butter as I need it to cook for my scrambled eggs; rice simply because it’s my energy everyday; juice (orange and carrot is my favorite) or coco water as I don’t drink so much mineral water. My buds simply resist it unless I’m really thirsty to drink. But nowadays I just realized I need it more than I want it so at least I get a gulp of 6-8 glasses a day (I’m sure I don’t go beyond 8).

I don’t get bored when I’m at home even when I was still in the Philippines. I really don’t go out unless I’m planned to or there is a need to go out. Even if my activities are so routinary, I seemed to enjoy it everyday. Maybe because it’s my nature to be a homebody. I enjoy my time even if I’m alone or whenever I’m serving my family. But of course it’s best whenever I share an afternoon or an evening bonding time with them. Being at home doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a loner or a boring person. When you try to think of it, it is actually the best place to experience self-awareness and inner peace. Special occasion or special moments are not only celebrated and experienced in a signature restaurant or a luxurious trip. Every single time is precious if you give your love even to the simplest thing you do. You clean not only to see the house clean but you give your energy to it because there is a good purpose of doing it. It makes you feel clean and healthy if your surroundings are clean. It keeps you get functional and gives you vigor. You cook not only because you have to feed but you give your love into cooking because you care for yourself and for the people you are serving. Live a life of love (2 John 1:6). Give your time, energy and attention in whatever you do.

There are actually a lot more interesting to do while at home. Who knows, before you even realize, you have already discovered something about yourself and things that make your life worthwhile.

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